Helen Speaks

Another in my series on bad advice and the everyday nuggets of bullshit wisdom we give to each other, where I explore what we’ve been told and often dispense some advice of my own. Which I try to make good advice, but that’s obviously a subjective thing.

“Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past

From the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts

And recycling it for more than it’s worth”

Mary Schmich, “Advice, like youth, is wasted on the young” (better known as “Everyone’s free to wear sunscreen”)

On the topic of advice being well-meaning, this next one isn’t so much about what the advice is, but how it’s given. 

Imagine you’re doing something difficult, perhaps for the first time or at least for the first time with a particular audience. Maybe you’ve made a new recipe and you would like a family member’s approval. Maybe you’ve given a speech, run a training session, had a job interview or even flown a plane.

Maybe you’ve just had a complete and unmitigated disaster – or at least something that felt like it in the moment.

And your family member, mentor, supervisor, manager, teacher, podiatrist or parole officer turns to you and says…

You should have done that differently. 

You should have prepared more.

You should have tried harder.

You should have spent more time on x, less time on y.

You should have remembered everyone’s names.

You should have added more cinnamon.

You should have made a back up copy.

You should have learned to ride a bicycle before the age of 42.

You should have called an ambulance.

You should have returned the 23 penguins to the zoo before they broke into the embassy and caused an international incident that meant you had to personally apologise to the King of Sweden.

You should have thought before you spoke.

And how do you feel, when someone says that to you, or you say it to yourself?

Chances are, you feel frustrated, annoyed, invalidated, embarrassed and maybe even ashamed. 

And what you don’t feel is motivated to do better.

The fix for this is so simple too. Instead of acting like the person (or you) should just get into their time machine, TARDIS, DeLorean or, I dunno, magical portal at the back of their fridge, you can simply look to the future.

Next time, try doing it this way…

Next time, I’ll learn from this experience and try…

Next time, it’d be nice to try it with some vanilla icing.

Next time, it’d be helpful to spend more time on your relevant job experience.

Next time, try cutting the introduction to 5 minutes and spend more time on the main content.

Of course it’s not too late to learn a useful skill, good for you for trying something new.

And you can say this to yourself too.

Next time I’ll try printed handouts because people seemed restless last time.

Next time I’ll start with an easier question to help the participants get started and break the ice.

Next time I’ll ask for a map of the building so I don’t get lost on the way.

And if there (hopefully) won’t be a next time…

You can help yourself and the other survivors out of this complete and unmitigated disaster you are in by focusing on the present. 

What’s something you can try right now?

I know you’re upset, but it’s over now.

Okay, I made a mess of that but we’re all still alive. And we still have most of the penguins.

Keep it positive, keep it specific, keep it kind, whether that’s to yourself or others.

“You should have” and “I should have” are the words of regret – you recognise the mistake but you get stuck in the past. 

We need to reflect rather than regret.

Reflection is a powerful tool to grow and do better – when you learn from mistakes, they stop being mistakes and start being experience. 

And if you’re realising you’ve said “you should have” in the past, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have… but next time, try “next time, try”. 

What are your most useful mistakes? Comment below!

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