A series I’m writing about the automatic pieces of advice or “bullshit wisdom” we give each other and ourselves.
Ignore them (and they’ll go away) – Advice about bullying. Includes suggestions of more helpful things to say.
The problem with our everyday, common sense bullshit wisdom, aside from being something busy adults say to shut children up, is there is no nuance at all.
Ignore them? Yes, this can sometimes make sure that the bully doesn’t get the satisfaction of seeing their actions get a reaction. But in my experience, bullies often know that someone trying to pretend they aren’t there is a reaction. They get to see their victim shutting down and being small.
Fake it till you make it – Why advice to pretend to be confident doesn’t inspire confidence, and things that may actually help.
But for me, it felt like an uphill struggle, especially with the implicit suggestion that no one would take me seriously until I had successfully convinced them I was confident. I think I heard the advice as:
You must pretend that you are calm, happy and know what you are doing even when you are confused, nervous and embarrassed. Once you have successfully convinced others you are confident and competent, then – and only then – you will be able to feel confident.
If you’re lonely… – Being lonely sucks. And yet, sometimes it can’t be avoided.
In the early 2000s, I spent a year living and working in a new city. I lived in a bedsit flat, with no shared space. I worked in a small team who were nice enough but I didn’t get any of their jokes, and I didn’t play football, so I was the quiet one in the corner who people invited to things out of politeness…
I used to go out a lot in the evenings, but mostly by myself. It was the early 2000s so Borders bookshop opened until 10pm.
I was walking back from town, alone, to my bedsit flat. It was cold, crisp, and dry, as that city so often was, and my room was probably cold.
I heard someone say my name, with that sort of surprised delight when you see someone who you didn’t expect to see, but are pleased to find.
“You should have” is only good for time travellers – sometimes the way we give advice is unhelpful. Here’s what to do in future…
Imagine you’re doing something difficult, perhaps for the first time or at least for the first time with a particular audience. Maybe you’ve made a new recipe and you would like a family member’s approval. Maybe you’ve given a speech, run a training session, had a job interview or even flown a plane.
Maybe you’ve just had a complete and unmitigated disaster – or at least something that felt like it in the moment.
And your family member, mentor, supervisor, manager, teacher, podiatrist or parole officer turns to you and says…
“Use generative AI to write your blogposts is all filla and no killa”.
Rant. Oddly proud that this is the least popular Bad Advice post, but I find it hard to explain why I feel that way… A contrarian joy! At some point I’ll write a better one on why some things are just better done by people. In the mean time, enjoy.
Helen Speaks 