Helen Speaks

The idea that people pleasing and being kind are different things. It’s good and right to be compassionate and kind to those who need it. It builds relationships to listen to and honour your friends. But I wish I had learned much earlier that I could say no, that sometimes people aren’t as in need as they make out that they are, and that good friends actually want us to be honest so they can carry on being good friends.

And then there’s the bizarre situation where we’ve all tried to just guess what the other one wanted and ended up in a situation no one is happy in. A kind of mutually assured misery.

The most frustrating thing about being a people-pleaser for me is spending time thinking I want to be kind, I want to support my friends, but feeling frustrated and angry because they were meant to telepathically understand how I feel, they were meant to somehow figure out that it was “my turn” to be cared for even though I couldn’t possibly tell them I needed help.

I’m often a bit frustrated by “Selfish Giant” type stories where a character seems to have to put up with insensitive behaviour from others in order to have friends – it can be such a powerful trope when done well, the idea that you need to open up to connect, but the idea that you should just swallow every one of your own “petty” concerns? Ugh that’s a recipe of the opposite kind of misery.

Good friends can set boundaries!