Helen Speaks

I want to do a whole series of these posts about the bad advice or generic pieces of bullshit wisdom that we receive every day. Last time we looked at “Ignore them (and they’ll go away)” and we discovered that…

• “Ignore them” is advice given to stop bullies but it often doesn’t work.
• One problem is that it lacks nuance – you can learn to shrug off a barbed comment but you can’t ignore something that is consistent and in your face all of the time.
• Teachers and parents give this advice when they’re at a loss or just don’t want to be bothered.

I feel like this next piece of advice has similar problems – it doesn’t always “work”, it lacks nuance… And sometimes it can be given as advice by people who really just want the asker to get off their backs. But I think people honestly give this advice because they think it does work, or at least it works for them.

What advice, I hear you ask, because you didn’t read the title of this post for some reason?

Fake it till you make it

Fake it until you make it

Fake it ‘til you make it

Did we ever agree if “till” and “until” are interchangeable? Wait, I’m not Googling that. It’s a tangent. Let’s stay on topic.

So, to put it more precisely, if less catchily – Pretend to be confident until you actually are confident.

I trained to be a teacher and I got this advice all the time while training. I also read advice like “When you tell students to do things, you have to believe they will do it” which felt rather like putting the cart before the horse. So, if I’m not sure if they’ll do it, they won’t do it… How can I believe that they’ll do it without the evidence?!

I know that some will find fake it till you make it genuinely inspiring. There are positives to the phrase, as a piece of advice…

• It acknowledges that we don’t always feel confident when we start
• It assures us that we will grow in confidence the more we try
• It gives us the hope of an end point where we “make it”.

But for me, it felt like an uphill struggle, especially with the implicit suggestion that no one would take me seriously until I had successfully convinced them I was confident. I think I heard the advice as:

You must pretend that you are calm, happy and know what you are doing even when you are confused, nervous and embarrassed. Once you have successfully convinced others you are confident and competent, then – and only then – you will be able to feel confident.

Which felt like an uphill struggle, not least because my attempts at appearing confident were often counterproductive. Things like:

• Shouting a lot.
• Pretending I knew things I didn’t so bluffing, unconvincingly.
• Pretending that things didn’t bother me when they actually really hurt… And letting these things ‘slide’ because a confident person wouldn’t have to deal with that, right?
• Making excuses whenever it seemed that people could sense weakness.
• Avoiding risks because I didn’t want to lose the appearance of being in control.
• Not asking for help because I didn’t want people to see that I might be struggling.

Not to mention the fact that spending my days trying to “fake” confidence, trying to act the role of the person I wanted people to think I was, was fuelling imposter syndrome.

Huh, who knew that pretending to be someone you’re not might lead to feeling like an imposter eh? Almost like those things are synonyms.

Better advice

Some of these might sound a bit like “fake it till you make it”, but stick with me…

You can’t always choose to feel confident, but you can choose to do things that confident people do. This sounds so similar, but for me this feels so much better because it’s not about choosing to pretend.

You can choose to:

• Stand up straight, put your shoulders back.
• Slow down, speak up, repeat yourself if people weren’t listening the first time.
• Look people in the eye – I appreciate this is difficult for some. You don’t have to stare into their very soul, you can try looking at their forehead or cheekbones if directly in the eyes is uncomfortable.
• Allow a silence. You don’t have to fill in every gap, or explain yourself all the time.

Think about the reasons you have to be genuinely confident.

What is it that you’re bringing to a role or relationship? If you’ve just taken on a new job, the chances are that you thought you’d be good at it – list out why!

It can help to write a letter to yourself. It can help to write two letters to yourself. Start one with all the worries and vulnerabilities. It helps to pick a non-serious font:

Dear me,

I am so scared about giving a presentation tomorrow. Why should they even listen to me? I just know I’ll shake and I’ll mumble and I won’t have the answers to any questions.

Then read your letter back. Think about what you’d say to a friend. And then write a letter giving yourself all the good advice that you need.

Dear me,

You can do this! Yes you might be a bit nervous, but you know that everyone will be rooting for you. You’ve spent a long time preparing for this and you have a lot of important things to say.

Doing things that make you feel confident can help, even if they seem entirely unrelated

Sometimes we think that in order to get rid of our pesky lack of confidence, we need to work on all those things that we find difficult. There is some wisdom to this, of course. If you’re scared speaking up at meetings, giving yourself a goal to speak up in every single meeting for a month might well help you get over that fear. On the other hand, maybe you don’t feel nervous speaking up when your monthly basket weaving class meets. Maybe weight lifting helps you feel strong. Often, a long chat with a friend where you put the world to rights makes you feel confident. Maybe you didn’t actually fix world hunger, maybe you just ranted about your colleagues/customers/clients for a while, but chances are, you’ll feel validated and less alone.

Sometimes just the reminder that we can do things, whatever those things are, can help us have the courage to face some of the harder tasks of our day.

Reevaluate what confidence is

I realised that some of my issue with appearing confident was that I associated it with a sort of untrustworthy performance. I felt that if I dared to appear confident while not feeling it, I was misleading others. I think I felt that my lack of confidence, and the ways in which that manifested in my words and body language – were a demonstration of my integrity.

I think I had a rigid idea of confidence as having the answers, feeling completely competent and equal to the situation, and being in charge and in control. I saw confidence as something I would eventually earn the right to have when I had succeeded in all other areas.

Seeing confidence as something you had to earn meant that I didn’t want to “fake it” because that felt like taking something I wasn’t allowed.

However, observing others who seemed confident in their roles, I realised that confidence comes with self acceptance. You don’t have to be confident that you have all the answers and you are an expert in your field…

You can be confident that everyone has worth. And that’s how you speak up to a bully who’s harassing someone even if you feel terrified. Having confidence in ideas and values outside of yourself can help you refocus from your own fear of inadequacy to the things that you know are important.

You can be confident that you will get through the day. Sometimes you don’t need to be all “I am wonderful! I am marvellous!” Sometimes it’s enough to remember the small things, like…

You can be confident that you will make mistakes, and you will learn from them. Rather than setting yourself an impossible standard, you can believe that you will grow and learn. You can accept your own flaws and go and do the thing anyway.

…

OK, this next one feels a bit heavy. Bear with me. Please don’t throw your phone/laptop out the window if this makes you cross but…

Ask yourself how your lack of confidence is serving you

Deciding that you can’t do something… That doesn’t seem like a choice, does it? It doesn’t seem sensible or rational that someone would sit down and go “I should not trust myself and I should make sure that everyone knows that I feel nervous and anxious, because that’ll make my day much easier”… But people aren’t always sensible or rational.

I realised that projecting my anxiety and nervousness outwards, that showing I felt scared or inadequate… Sometimes meant I didn’t have to do things. People would take away the nasty scary thing. People would fix things without me having to try. People wouldn’t expect too much of me.

This wasn’t a choice, in the sense that I thought, “I know, I’ll cry and someone else will call the bank for me!” Sometimes it was – it is – an excuse I tell myself to get myself out of doing a thing.

I can’t do that. It’s too scary.

If you did decide that you were good enough, if you did step up and do that thing you’ve always wanted to do, what might that mean? Are you scared that it wouldn’t be everything you hoped? Are you scared you’re not ready?

Anxiety can be a nice warm blanket that gets you out of those scary things.

Sometimes being confident isn’t feeling fearless… It’s just daring to believe that you should try.

What helps you feel confident?

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