Helen Speaks

I once signed up to eHarmony because I was looking for love, not realising that their “matching” is a bit of a con designed to slow down the process and get more of your money (also unlike other dating websites you can’t see people’s messages to you until you’ve paid up, so you have to weigh up whether you’re interested enough before you discover the message reads “UR UGLY, LOL”). I also didn’t realise some of the shitty ideology behind their website.

For instance publishing this article:

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/ladies-do-you-intimidate-men/

In this article, eHarmony gives advice to women who feel that they intimidate men. They’ve actually got two articles on that theme, but alas I could find nothing helping men who would like to avoid intimidating women. Which is a shame as I’d send it to one of my “matches” who put a rape joke on his profile.

Writer Michelle Jacoby reassures us that men aren’t intimidated by women’s successes, their impressive careers or their achievements. What bothers them is “the masculine energy you literally bring to the dinner table.”

In fact men “don’t care what college you graduated from. They don’t care how many degrees you have, how much money you make or if you can change your own tire.”

They just want a “feminine, nurturing, kind, caring, easy-going woman”.

Admittedly, a writer who can misuse “literally” so badly (seriously, what was the point in putting it there?) might have trouble expressing herself, but Jacoby seems to be to be working from these assumptions:

1) Successful women want male partners.

2) Men are uninterested in women’s achievements.

3) Men only like women who are “nurturing” and “feminine”.

4) So just conform to this model and you too can get a man who’s uninterested in your achievements and wants nurturing!

Luckily Jacoby knows that not only do we all want a man like this, but deep down we are all that sort of woman – she says “Inside every female top-notch attorney, investment banker and CEO is a soft gooey center – you’re a woman after all. So get in touch with your softer side, and bring your feminine energy to the dinner table.”

She then proceeds to give ten tips to present your feminine side, including:

“Dress like a girl – wear light makeup, soft colors, a skirt or a dress and heels.”

“Let the man pick the restaurant (even if it’s not your favorite).”

“Let him lead (order for you, open doors, hail the cab, etc)”

And, most paradoxically:

“Let your guard down. Be warm, genuine – be yourself.”

If I was this docile and conformist, I WOULD NOT BE BEING MYSELF. Ahem. Sorry for shouting. But this annoys me immensely. Jacoby has written this article with an array of simplistic monolithic beliefs on the nature of men and women. She has failed to realise many people have personalities that extend beyond these constricting ideas. I wonder how much her mind would be blown by the idea of non-binary gender.

I can’t speak for everyone seeking love but having been one myself, albeit one that really regrets giving eHarmony my money, I’m guessing that most people want someone who loves them for who they are – and to love that person for who that person is. Simple as that. I could dig out my scant makeup supplies and rarely worn skirts, stick my achy feet into uncomfortable heels and even, possibly, well, maybe not let a man order for me. No one’s ordering my dinner but me. The last time I let a man order my dinner, it was my brother because he wanted to practise his German.

I would not want to be with someone who didn’t accept me as the non-makeup-wearing, self-possessed individual that I am. And I certainly wouldn’t want to miss out on the person who wants a confident independent woman because I was too busy pretending to be soft and feminine.

It seems to me that Jacoby believes men want some ideal specimen of womanhood – a “feminine, nurturing, kind, caring, easy-going woman” – and can’t handle the notion that women might be real people. This insults both men and women. Don’t listen to advice like this – you deserve better.